Thursday, April 29, 2010

Take My Publisher, Please! by Guest Blogger: Ed Williams

“Take My Publisher, Please”

An actual phone conversation I had earlier today....

“Hello, is this Ed?”

“Uh, yes it is.”

“Ed Williams, the writer guy?”

“Uh, yeah, Ed Williams the writer guy.”

“How are you? My name is Sam Filbert, and I’m a big fan.”

“Hey Sam, it’s nice to meet you, what can I do for you?”

“It’s really you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah Sam, last time me and my mirror met, it was me.”

“What? Oh, okay! I see what you’re meaning. That could even be funny, you know. Did you mean for it to be?”

“Just horsin‘ around. What can I do for you?”

“I was given your name and number by your dad, Fred Williams, Jr. He seems like a really nice guy. We talked for a long time, and then he gave me your phone number so that I could call you. What a great guy!”

“Great isn‘t even close to how I‘d describe him right now, Sam. Old Fred is quite a guy, and then some. Now look, I have some work I have to get done, and I know you didn’t call just to tell me just how much you like sweet old Fred. What can I do for you?”

“Ed, I wanted to know if you’d like to help America’s next humor writing superstar!”

“Well, tell me the name of the person and what they’ve done, and then we can talk more.”

“Ed, with all due respect, I’m talkin’ about myself!”

“Sam, you write?”

“I sure do, Ed. Let me tell you a little about what I’ve written. For the last six months I’ve written something every day, in fact, I write at least two pages each day no matter what!”

“Sam, that’s very impressive. What kind of stuff do you write?”

“Well, I love to write stories about growing up in a small Southern town. I grew up in Shady Dale, Georgia, so my manuscript is a bunch of funny stories about all the crazy things we did when I was growing up there.”

“That’s great, Sam, I give you a lot of credit for being persistent enough to complete an entire manuscript. That’s quite an accomplishment. What’s next for you?”

“That’s where you come in, Ed.”

“That’s where I come in? What’re you talking about?”

“Ed, look. I know getting a book published is hard. Real hard. And I’m sitting here with all these great stories about growing up in Shady Dale - I have no doubt that they’ll be popular and sell tons of books. That’s where you come in, and that’s where you can help me. You can get me in front of a publisher in no time, and then I’ll convince them that they need to publish my book!”

“I can do that? How?”

“Just introduce me to the people over at Champagne Books, your publisher. I’ll take it from there. Once they see my stories, I guarantee you they’ll want to do a book.”

“Ummmmm, Sam, I don’t quite know quite how to say this, but my own stuff happens to be “growing up in the country” stories set in Juliette. If I bring Champagne your stories, which also seem to be “growing up in the country” stories set in Shady Dale, then I’m competing with myself. And that’s a not a very smart thing for me to do.”

“Ed, you’re being a little selfish here, aren’t you? I know my stories are better, but I’ll bet you could still find someone to continue publishing yours. Champagne is just one publisher, I’ll sure you could find another one.”

“Exactly, Sam, which is why you should take the initiative and go out and find your own publisher. I wish you the best in your search.”

“You’re not gonna help me? Don’t you think you’re being a little selfish here, Ed?”

“No, Sam, I don‘t. I wish you the best of luck.”

“Man, this isn’t how your dad Fred said it would go. I trusted him, especially after reading so much about him. Mr. Fred said you like helping new writers, and here I am asking you for help, and you don’t wanna help me.”

“Sam, tell you what, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll help you out with Champagne if you’ll go out first and find me another publisher. Then we’d be even, you’ll have a publisher and I’ll have a publisher. Whatcha think?”

“I gotta run, Ed. The wife is hollering for me. Tell Fred hello!”


Thanks Ed for an early morning chuckle! Now, please tell us more about your amazing book...I'm a southern girl myself and there's nothing wrong with a little Christmas in April, eh?

Click the cover to purchase your copy today!


Christmas isn't just about sugar plum fairies and reindeer dancing across the sky. It can also be about red clay chunk wars, cock fighting, dead people who may really not be, and more! Get set for a wild, wild Christmas ride when you read ChristmaSin', Southern Outlaw Author Ed Williams' take on what a true Christmas in a small, rural Southern town is really all about! Learn about Christmas miracles happening in the most unlikely of settings, the early '70s in tiny Juliette, Georgia. It's a novel that could be true, in some places actually is, and one that will both warm the heart and tickle the funny bone!


(During the annual Christmas celebration at the Juliette Methodist Church, December 1972, as told by a 17 year old Ed Williams. We pick it up at this tender point...)

You total these two women up, Miss Evelyn and Miss Annie Bell, and you have two solid women who don’t back off from a whole lot. And they don’t regarding this megaton fart that Miss Simulah has just put out. Miss Evelyn gets the ball rolling when she whispers loudly, "My goodness, someone needs to change their eating habits, I think we’ve been graced with the after effects of someone who’s enjoyed a lunch of red hots and baked beans." That is a shot aimed right at Miss Simulah, cause everyone knows she loves those damn cheap ass red hot sausages (Ed Jr. said one time that she likes them because she never gets a helping of some true pink trouser sausage, but Mama came in before he could say much more about that) more than anyone around these here parts. Miss Simulah blushes a tad and looks away from Miss Evelyn, trying to act like she didn’t hear what she’d said, and that’s when she looks right into Miss Annie Bell’s face. You can tell it sort of shakes Miss Simulah up to be looking right at Miss Annie Bell, and it gets even worse when Miss Annie Bell whispers, "Simulah, we are in the House of the Lord, and what I’m about to say isn’t very Christian, but it needs to be said. I can put up with your body stink, even though I shouldn’t have to, but when you blend in the fruit of your ass with it, why, it’s just too damned much. You can either excuse yourself and go home, or else we can have a real set-too right here. I mean it. I’m not whiffing your ass pearls for the rest of this night, dearie."

Continue reading here:

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Joyce rapier said...

Ed, you are a hoot! Smoochies to you.

Joyce Rapier
Red Clay Murders

Anonymous said...

Joyce, you good lookin', sexy thing you! Don't make me blush up now!



Joyce rapier said...

No wonder everyone loves you, you are rotten as sin. (grin) Blush, baby, blush!

Joyce Rapier

Anonymous said...

Good boys just stay good boys, darlin' - I like change!

Double smoochies,


Donica Covey said...

It's my Sweetie!

Ed, you always crack me up and ya know I love you for it!

Love from one Reb to another!

Anonymous said...

Donica darlin', you have the coolest damn name. Makes me feel like I'm listening to jazz whilst bein' all horny all at the same time!

Cool and hot smoochies,


thewriterslife said...

LOL, that was hilarious!